So lately I've been messing with my head. When I came to college I told myself that I wasn't going to start getting into relationships with every guy who showed interest, I was going to only fully be committed when it felt right. This in theory sounds like it should be easy, but all it's done is cause me and other people pain.
When I first started school I met this guy who I became close with, we hung out all the time and basically acted like we were in a relationship, but because I wanted to experience my other options whenever I would go to my friends school (which is about 7 min from mine and a bigger party school than mine) I would end up meeting or kissing some random guy. Eventually the guy at my school asked me to be his girlfriend and I said "No" because I wanted to keep free and be able to do whatver I wanted at my friends school, and I also got all scared that I would be just falling into a relationship like I did back in highschool. My perfect scenerio would be, being able to be his girlfriend at our school, and single at my friends school. Eventually he and I got in a fight and now we aren't talking.
When I got drunk friday at my friends school I had a huge melt down
1/4 because I had foolishly and drunkenly thrown myself at this guy I had sorta been talking to,
1/4 because I realized I couldn't control people like I wanted,
1/4 because I realized how stupid I was for letting the guy who asked me out go
1/4 because I've always been super into my ex from high school and the past two times I'd seen him when I was home I wasn't as in to it and I hate being confused about him because I love knowing that I have this strong passion for someone that I've always had for him.
This melt down proved to me that I really need to start rethinking my life in terms of guys. So for now I am swearing off guys. I really need to decide what I want. I am switching school next semester to my friend's school so I think once I'm away from here I'll be able to forget about this guy, but the stuff with my ex still confuses me. I saw him this past weekend and fell for him all over again, but it's stressful because I want to not mess around with other guys to show him that I am loyal to him, yet at the sametime this feels so foolish because we are suppose to be trying to get over each other. I know he loves me, and I know he knows I love him, but somtimes situations just cause it not to work out. I read in a book once that the reason highschool love rarely works is not because the love is any less real, but becausse it finds itself at such an inconvienant time.
I also talked to the guy I had thrown myself at, and I explained to him that I needed to figure things out with my head before he and I did anything again. He isn't looking for anything serious and right now neither am I, but still just for the sake of making sure I don't lead people on again, I want to figure out my head.
Soooo no more silly guy stuff until next semester!! Hopefully I can hold to that!
I need to make a list or a policy about guys during winter break. And I've also decided I'm not drinking again until next semester and this time around I'm going to learn to A. not drink so much and B. not be so annoying when I drink
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